2012-02-06T22:22:43Z Charlene Elsby Copyright 2012, Charlene Elsby SPHPBLOG
Published by Random House.

"I say just get over it. It's life, Emma, for God's sake. Suck it up." So says Susie Dell on page 119 of the novel, but Emma refuses to suck it up for at least a hundred more pages.

Emma Gilford is a boring woman who seems to have done absolutely nothing with her life or had any meaningful contact with anyone for at least twenty years, and one phone call from an old boyfriend is enough to throw her over the edge. She starts to question her boring existence, her wussy attitude, and, well, not much else because she's been under a rock for so long. She refuses to do anything interesting for the entirety of the novel, unless you're into complaining and blaming everyone else for one's own problems. The novel picks up near the end, when the action focuses on the more interesting characters; but told through the dishwater voice of Emma Gilford, it's not enough to make this worth reading.

Throughout the novel Emma whines about how her sisters mistreated her as a child, and I think to myself, "You're in your forties. Get over it already. Grow a bloody spine." She makes a big deal out of tiny tasks she's expected to do for a big family reunion, like make a reservation at a park and pick up plates at the store, and I say, "Really? Just fucking do it." I wonder how Emma Gilford could waste so much of her time not doing what she's supposed to do to plan this party, then complaining about it, then complaining about the fact that she's expected to do it. And I wonder why I'm wasting my time reading about it. (But at least I did manage to get around to it.)

Throughout the novel is the question of whether Emma will ever get together with Samuel, her once-boyfriend who ran off to Nicaragua to do some botany. He calls and calls but never makes an appearance. He just provides more fodder for Emma to engage in reminiscent self-reflection that leads to more self-pity and whining. I was hoping that by the end of the novel, something actually interesting would happen, but no. The moment we are intended to take as the turning point between old boring Emma and new, less sedentary Emma (though probably still boring) is at the very end where she is about to call him. Which means, of course, that the reader is never provided access to anything but boring, whiny, adolescent Emma who, were I ever to meet her, would certainly be on my "Do Not Invite" list for parties. ]]> http://www.crackjawpublishing.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry091013-102227 2009-10-13T00:00:00Z 2009-10-13T00:00:00Z
Published by Raincoast Books.

This is the classic novel by Jane Austen (which I'd never had the urge to read), now with zombies. The story revolves around the Bennetts, specifically Elizabeth Bennett and her four sisters, all zombie fighting machines of the highest class, trained by Master Liu at a Shaolin Temple in China. We follow Elizabeth, whose prejudice against Mr. Darcy compels her to at first reject his advances; Mr. Darcy learns a thing or two about having too much pride, and redeems himself.

Longbourn and the surrounding area (I'm not sure how far this extends) has been infested with zombies (referred to as "unmentionables"). Where any traveling takes place in the novel, we can be assured there will be a zombie fight scene. The zombies, while adding action and excitement, don't seem to play too much of a role in altering the general progression of the book. At most times, the zombie addition fits in well with the novel. The only point where zombie-ism was infused to greater effect was with regard to the plight of poor Charlotte, Elizabeth's best friend, who became infected and strove to marry quickly so as to spend her last months in relative comfort. Many references to "the bride's condition" would lead me to assume that in the original work, she was pregnant rather than a zombie. In this version, however, other characters (besides Charlotte, whose training allows her to recognize the signs quite early on) barely notice that by the time Elizabeth goes to visit her in her new home, Charlotte is at least three quarters dead and conducts herself in an odd, zombie-ish manner. This by no means detracts from the story; rather, it's a very funny situation indeed.

My only complaint towards this version is that Grahame-Smith's commitment toward the zombie plot seems to wane toward the end. The last hundred pages contain very few zombies. Since the zombies are the point of buying this version, I'd have to say this is a problem that should have been addressed. Nevertheless, the previous zombie plot provides the necessary backing for a final battle between Elizabeth and Darcy's aunt. I would have enjoyed more explicit alterations directly related to zombies, comparable to earlier scenes, such as when a ball the sisters are attending is overrun with unmentionables, or the scene describing the demise of Bingley's kitchen staff.

Still, if you've never read "Pride and Prejudice", this book will provide you with what seem to be the most important elements of the original (the plight of a bunch of sisters who just want to get married to any male who makes an appearance), along with some zombies. Both authors' contributions are entertaining, if not (for reasons cited earlier) completely balanced.]]> http://www.crackjawpublishing.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry090908-205858 2009-09-09T00:00:00Z 2009-09-09T00:00:00Z